What is depression?

Lying awake all night, going over every thing you’ve ever done in your entire life, wondering if you’ve made the right decisions
The work conundrums you’ve been pondering suddenly become clear at 3am and you’re sure you’ve covered every base – you consider getting up to type it out but reason “It’s ok, I’m smart and I’ve got a good memory – I can write it in the morning”
Morning comes and you’re unable to open your eyes. Your body feels like lead
You get in the shower and can’t even lift your arms to wash yourself
Instead you lean against the wall and let the water wash over you and tell yourself that one day without soap won’t kill you
You stand in front of your wardrobe unable to think what to wear or how clothes go together
Having no balance because your head feels so thick, you have to sit down to put underwear on
Then you tell yourself repeatedly “Get up, get dressed, you’re running late” until finally you manage to stand and force your body through the motions
Everything in your wardrobe makes you feel fat and ugly and impoverished
You then put on the same dress and bra you wore yesterday because it’s easier
You put a hat on instead of doing your hair
It’s too hard to lock your house or turn off the lights
Depression is driving around and around a shopping centre carpark not able to think how to find and drive INTO a parking spot
Standing in the middle of the supermarket aisle not knowing why you’re there or what you came for
Wandering aimlessly unable to choose a checkout queue, the smallest decisions are too exhausting
Not hearing the checkout lady repeat “Do you have a Franklins card?” three times
Realising everyone in the supermarket is staring at you
Paying at the checkout, fumbling with card, pin, wallet and bag
Walking away without your stuff
The checkout chick says loudly “Excuse me miss” a few times, then shakes her head sadly at you, obviously feeling sorry for you
Finding yourself at home without knowing how you got there
Dropping everything in a pile before letting your legs and brain collapse into a formless heap under the weight of it all
Staring at the ceiling, willing the tv to turn itself on to drown the silence
Depression is something you can’t talk about it until you’re out of it


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